I've just been in such a "woe is me" mood, the whole "Why me?" thing and feeling sorry for myself, which is BAD, I'd been trying to keep that to a minimum and had been successful up until recently. I think the enormity of the situation just hit me and I'm like
about everything all at once. There are all these tests they need to do within 30 days of a transplant, so there's all this timing BUT tests can't be done until my "counts" come up (I get neutrophils), so they keep scheduling and canceling and rescheduling (like I don't have to have my bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap tomorrow, that's postponed). I don't mind the easy stuff like CT scans, ultrasounds, heart scans, etc., but I DO mind multiple biopsies and taps! No one can give anyone else a concrete answer about anything, I have no idea when anything is happening, etc. And I can only kinda guess at what the transplant entails - I know I should just focus on the here and now and "one day at a time" and all that, but it's HARD to do that! They're hinting at 30 days in the hospital and then 45 days to 3 months in IPOP, and if I'm frustrated now, I can't imagine what that will be like. Next round I'm bringing my sewing machine, quilting supplies, more books, etc. I'll try to have a more normal life. But for now MAN I just want to go home! And the whole "will it work?" thing and "will I be cured for life?" and "what awful petty torments do I have to endure this time?" keep squishing themselves into my consciousness and I need to get all that OUT. Ativan helps. Or as they call it here, Vitamin A. It really is the magical fruit, I tell ya. Gus found these hysterical ad posters from the 70s, I had to share:
I mean, it's good, but I don't know if it's that good!
See?! I like whine with my cheese. And cheese with my cheese. hahahahaha
So that's why I haven't been around as much. I'm wasting time feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try to snap out of it - I think a few neutrophils would help - but at the moment I'm just kind of blah about the whole thing.
So that's that! Not a very cheery post, but I don't want to sugarcoat it because it tastes better all sour.
I mean, it's good, but I don't know if it's that good!
See?! I like whine with my cheese. And cheese with my cheese. hahahahaha
So that's why I haven't been around as much. I'm wasting time feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try to snap out of it - I think a few neutrophils would help - but at the moment I'm just kind of blah about the whole thing.
So that's that! Not a very cheery post, but I don't want to sugarcoat it because it tastes better all sour.
You don't have to sugarcoat - vent away! I miss you sooooooooo much and I'm angry (at stupid *&^&*$%$# cancer) for keeping you from me. Like ANGRY!
ReplyDeletePlease let me know AS SOON as I can see you. I'll bring whatever supplies you need and/or food from the outside world! Just name it!
p.s. You have TWO PERFECT DONOR MATCHES!! This all SUCKS EGGS pardon my french, but you WILL be fine and it's okay that you can't see the forest through the tree's right now. They're ugly trees - who can blame you? humph!
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteyou can bitch and vent at me as much and long as you want if it helps you get through this and make you feel better.
Seriously, I think those Ativan posters were ripped straight out of a Scientology brochure. I can totally see them saying 'Dianetics' instead of 'Ativan'.
Hang in there!
-Surrogate
jess - i will teach you to vent in german just for felix! - see now you have a reason to learn it :)
ReplyDeleteYou know what...sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself. You can't leave that up to everone else. You have to remember that you are going through something so major right now that you so have every right to feel what ever the hell you want. I really wish that I could take this all away from you. I wish I was some really smart doctor who could come up with some magical cure for this crap. I would so do it in a second and you would be my first patient. Hang on Jess, you have come so far and even if you don't really know how far you have to go, you are doing it one day at a time. Even if you have to take one minute at a time. This will all be done soon enough and you will feel fantasic and be able to helps other through the same thing you have been through. What a great feeling that will be for you. Just know that we are all sending you lots and lots of good thoughts and smiles your way. We love you....hang in there. Jaime
ReplyDeleteI feel frustrated and angry for you, Jess. You do have to let those feelings out. Actually, in the past couple of weeks when I have had felt those things with regard to your situation your blogs have made me feel better.
ReplyDeleteWhat great news about the donor matches.
COME ON NEUTROPHILS!!
Love
Cousin Marsh