still nothing

I can't really complain yet, because I don't have open ulcers in my mouth like last time, but dude, mucositis really sucks. Let's leave it at this - mucositis doesn't stop at your mouth and throat. Nuff said. I've never discussed such private things with so many people - the doctors, the nurses, the fellows, the residents - they all want to know all the gory details. I'm talking 15 minute conversations about the state of my you-know-what (that's ambiguous, but whatever). I'm used to it in a way, but I don't think you ever really get used to sharing this information with everyone that you meet. Literally everyone I meet - and sometimes they don't even bother to introduce themselves (this happens most often with residents and fellows). Ahhhhh!!! But I'm not complaining yet. Well maybe just a teensy bit. I think I'm entitled. :) It sucks to have to brainstorm at every meal to figure out something I can eat without hurting my throat - you can only eat so much chicken soup and toast. Because I can't lose weight, my body neeeeeeds calories, but it's hard to find a way to consume them!

I HAVE NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE

Today I got really excited because the french fries from downstairs were soft enough for me to eat, so I ate probably 1/2 an order of french fries with some ketchup, which we all know is a lot of calories. I'm drinking soda all day long (drinking water hurts my throat, oddly enough), which is weird because I don't really ever drink it. It's so counter-intuitive to the way I've always lived my life - watching what I eat, watching my weight, trying to eat enough veggies and eat healthy - it's really hard to get used to. Gus made a good point that this treatment is so "short-term" (comparitively) that they don't really care about nutrition so much as calories. They just want you to eat, they don't even care what it is! So weird. And I KNOW I need to eat and all that, but I'm serious, it's a constant battle in my head - half of my head says, "Yay! You've lost weight! That's great!" because, well, in normal life, it would be. And the other half of my head is saying, "Jackass, EAT! You need calories!" Obviously I'm letting the "EAT!" side win, because I have to, but it's still really weird. BTW, I'm fine, I weigh enough and even if I were to lose a few pounds I'd still be okay, it's just preferable that I maintain. :)

Gus and Em are at Whole Foods right now picking up some dinner for themselves and brainstorming about what to feed me. Dairy is OUT at the moment. They're getting me some of those instant noodle soup bowls, so hopefully that works out. I've been living on chicken soup and white bread. Which leads me to my first photo - bread is packaged in individual slices here. I know it's completely wasteful, but if you think about it, it's the only way to make sure the bread is "clean". Like I can just bust out 2 slices of toast and not worry about mold or a bread loaf or anything! Em took the pic:

And completely unrelated, my terror threat is low:

HA! It refers to my "fall risk" - you're either green, like me, allowed to basically do whatever you want on your own, or you're yellow or red, which means you need help. It's hanging on R2 - the nurses can see that I'm okay to be up and about when I go barreling through the hallways (and I do, I walk pretty fast sometimes). Speaking of which we did about a 45 minutes of walking today, which is good. So all in all a good day.

And BTW, I have a new outlook on things. I don't have leukemia anymore (well at least that's the hope), and I'm only at the hospital serving out my "sentence" before I go home. It's a finite amount of time and obviously we're hoping this is my last hospital stay ever. I mean, it would suck really hard if I got an infection or something during my IPOP or outpatient stint and had to be hospitalized, but I'm talking more in terms of chemo and stuff like that. I think it's easier this time around for me to just accept that I'm here for at least a month and there's nothing I can do about it, so I may as well make my stay at Hotel Hopkins as pleasant as possible. So far so good.

ETA: I'm trying really hard to be positive!